Learning to Grieve Without God: “A weight has been lifted”
From “Part 2 of Grieving without God — Giving up the Ghost” by “Awesome Aunt Kristi” at the grief blog Still Breathing:
Eventually, when I had spent all those hours pondering and processing this situation, I came out the other side of discarding the deity and I felt free. Giving up God allowed me to grieve in a whole different way. I couldn’t blame him, therefore I couldn’t be mad at him, therefore I could take my grief and use it to spend time with my niece. Instead of talking with God about bringing her back, I talked to Nora about how I wished she was here. What we would have done as Aunt and Niece. How I would have been AWESOME to the n-th degree. Instead of spending time praying to a God to take my pain away and help me through my grief, I asked Nora to do that instead.
Perhaps some find comfort in blaming God or finding reason with God for why a tragic experience happens, but I don’t. And in not finding responsibility with anyone or anything, I feel I have found peace with this experience. Does this mean that I am “over” her death or that I don’t grieve anymore? The answer now, and forever, will always be NO WAY! I will always grieve for my niece and miss everything that could have been, but I grieve with love now, not hate or anger.
I truly believe that grieving without God has really transformed who I am. It feels as if a weight has been lifted. I can just grieve for my niece without having any interference from anything else. Now, I can be in the presence of my niece’s memory and feel comforted, not angry. Negative emotions are so exhausting and energy draining, besides, I decided the day she died that I would remember her in happiness. I started a journal to her, but more often than not I hold conversations with her inside my head. They are often one-sided because I don’t need to give her a voice, she doesn’t need to say anything because she has taught me so much already. Often, I thank her for what her short existence has taught me: love.